Assumptions and Intentions

It has come to my attention lately that assumptions and intentions are two things that have a huge impact on our relationships...in opposite ways.

People are unwilling to put themselves out there. We are unwilling to let ourselves be vulnerable. The Latin word vulnus means wound. Able to be wounded. Weak. And yet it is this act of appearing vulnerable that brings people together. Often people who undergo similar traumatic experiences unite and bond over that experience (knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll, for instance).

What am I getting at? You can't really be friends with people, real friends, without being willing to put yourself out there. To trust that they won't wound you...or at least be willing to take the chance that they might. This is a very uncomfortable idea, I know. And the result is that we actively seek out ways to avoid being vulnerable. We make assumptions about the way people are thinking or feeling so that we don't have to ask them. We make assumptions about the reasons people act the way they do.

Many times we know these assumptions are potentially incorrect, but they keep us from potential pain, so we continue to make them. And then because we fail to communicate, others are forced to make assumptions about us. The cycle continues on and on and on until there's nothing left but a mess of assumptions and miscommunication.

But fear not! I've also discovered the remedy...though I don't claim to always put it into practice.

The remedy I speak of is the act of being intentional. Intentional in your thoughts. Intentional in your actions. Intentional in your words. Intentional in your relationships.

If you are always being intentional with what you say, then you can never really unintentionally hurt someone. The same principle goes for most aspects of your life and actions. If your friend takes the time to write you an encouraging note or email, or calls you to see how you're doing, you can't very well assume that they don't care about you (or at least it's a lot harder to). If you intentionally communicate with your friends about how you're feeling, about how much they mean to you, about what you're thinking, then they can't assume incorrect information.

It's such a hard thing to do, to be constantly intentional. But the more we do it, the easier it gets. I'm a culprit. I get caught up in selfish motives. Caught up in a self-defense mechanism of withholding my intentions, waiting for other people to put themselves out there first...but someone has to take the first step. It might as well be me.