I like to think of myself as a warm person. I used to think that I come off as a warm person. Fairly outgoing, or at least friendly. Now, I'm not so sure.
I'm not a person who is naturally cheerful and gregarious and so on. I can make an effort to be these things. I often do...but when I find no reason to be particuarly charismatic, I just don't. I feel like my non-charismatic self can be seem as somewhat cold. Withdrawn. It's not true, though. I care about things, even though my expression and body language might not indicate it. When I first get thrown into a group of strangers (or a group of people including people I don't know very well), I have two different options:
1) Act outgoing, friendly and energetic.
2) Sit back, be quiet, observe.
Which of these two options I act on can depend on a variety of things. For one, my mood. If I'm in a bad mood, I will generally opt for number 2. If I don't feel like making idle chat with other people, I'm exceptionally good at making that clear. Non-verbal signals are very effective in such situations.
If I'm having a great day, I am much more likely to opt for number 1. When I am inclined to have some human interaction, I'll begin chat with aquaintances about the weather, a sarcastic comment or something similar. Usually with the purpose of amusing them or making them smile. Often it works. Sometimes it doesn't. Hopefully my mood is high enough that it won't really matter.
Another distinction that factors into my choice of action is whether I see my interaction leading to a deeper friendship, or if I expect to never see them again, or perhaps only see them in a specific, controlled environment (such as French class).
So many different distinctions could be made, but I'll stop analyzing my decisions for a moment to touch upon a slightly different aspect of this topic...
Often when I'm uncomfortable around people, or feel the need to make some small contribution to keep from being the antisocial one in the corner, I resort to sarcasm. It's funny. To me, at least. But it has occurred to me recently, that when I use sarcasm, I can come off as kind of a jerk.
I am honestly not sure how I feel about this revelation. A part of me doesn't care. A part of me wonders if there are people walking around this campus thinking that I'm a jerk because they don't get sarcasm...or because they think I'm unfeeling. Maybe sometimes I am unsensitive...but I feel like I'm sensitive to people's feelings when it really matters.
I have not come to any conclusion, so don't expect one. In fact, I think I'm going to end this here and move on to bigger and better things.
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4 comments:
Hmm... From the time that I first met you until I got to know you, I don't think I ever thought that you were a jerk, or cold, or anything like that. I think this is also somewhat related to your post on being passionate vs. being angry. I don't really know how other people who don't know you would see you, although I could kind of see people in class with you, such as Persuasion Theory, maybe seeing you as a little cynical. But maybe not. I know I never thought of you that way. But, if anyone really does see you in this way, or in any kind of negative light, I don't think it really matters. They're not really people that are a part of your life, and if they become so, they will quickly realize your true nature. So, I would suggest not worrying too much about it.
Marjorie- I feel weird commenting on yet another of your blogs- but you always write about such interesting human nature topics that I feel compelled.
And I am bored at work.
Here are my thoughts: I have always used sarcasm as a form of humor and shrugged off my mother's opinion that it turns people off and makes them think I am mean. Until my senior year of college- right before graduation actually. I still enjoy using sarcasm and I have several good friends who enjoy it with me because they are the same way, but I finally realized I had been using sarcasm as a defense mechanism. Not just to be funny- but when I felt threatened or uncomfortable- and this was not an appropriate response. I realized I need to show my softer side sometimes and learn to be more comfortable to do so. This all stemmed from an incident with a friend.
He reminded me to hand in my mail box key. I- thinking he was being sarcastic in reminding me of something obvious- responded with sarcasm. He was quiet for a moment and then said "You know, you don't always have to be that way. I was just reminding you." I immediately threw up a defense...because I knew he was right. True words from a true friend and they still haunt me today- and remind me that's it's ok to let down my guard.
Now- this may not be your case for sarcasm at all. But being a life-long sarcastic myself, I had to tell you what I have learned.
Sorry for another embarassingly long comment. Thanks for letting me waste time. :)
Hey. I feel like my opinion would be very biased since I've known you your whole life. But I don't think you seem cold when you are being quieter than usual in a group of people. Also I mostly enjoy sarcasm so I can't see your sarcasm being offensive. But I guess not everybody likes it... so yeah i am biased after all. ;)
Marjorie. I apologize for the decades it has taken me to comment on this blog. We've talked about this before, but take heart: I don't think you're a jerk. :) By nature, we INFJs are easily misunderstood; plus, WE'RE THE BEST! So...good. Now, I sound like jerk.
Anyway, good post!
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